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[26 Dec 2009|12:42pm] |
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i'm bumming and bummin' hard...
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[25 Dec 2009|11:56am] |
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mmm mad slimjims in my stocking
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| A downer Christmas Eve post. Sorry. |
[24 Dec 2009|10:29pm] |
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mood |
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 bummed |
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It's Christmas Eve and all I really want is everything my brother has. :(
Oh, and...
Presented by Online Education
Regardless, I hope everyone at least appreciates what they have today, tomorrow, and so on.
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| "Not so posi after all." |
[21 Dec 2009|07:22pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Wingnut Dishwashers Union: "My Idea of Fun" |
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I'm cold and bored and poor. No pants, no money, no Food Stamps, no spare change, no minutes on my cellphone. I walked to Muddy Cup just so I could see if Kara was online. When she wasn't, I IMed Gemma and had her call Kara and tell her to get on AIM. I felt pathetic having to do that. I slept as late as I could today, then spent the rest of my Food Stamps on a few items of food. I'm not sure if it'll last me the next ten days of the month. I made a sandwich and watched the third Nightmare On Elm Street movie. I had watched the first two last night. Definitely my favorite multi-sequel horror film. Every time Freddy Krueger calls someone a bitch, I laugh. I'm trying to upload a mixtape I made for Rain onto Mediafire, but it's taking forever. Twenty minutes now and only 14% finished.
I'm so bummed out right now. The winter's really getting me down. I'm not used to being so restricted. And now that the cold has taken over and it's sometimes physically unbearable to even stand around outside in shorts, I have no more choices than to sit around with people. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love hanging out and doing nothing with an awesome group of people. But when it's all you do for a certain length of time, it becomes really fucking boring. Especially when you're the only straightedge kid in a group of people who are having full-fledged conversations about marijuana and which brand of cigarettes they smoke. When you're the only one not inhaling something through a filter or bong, no matter how open-minded you are, you feel extremely out of place. And when you're the only one who has nothing to add to a conversation, you feel like the odd one out. Smoking pot, talking about pot, listening to songs about pot, and selling pot; it's so weird that anyone can be content with that. I'm not judging. If anything, I'm struggling to empathize and coming up with nothing. I guess I'll never understand my generation's constant war with their own consciousness and relationship with reality. Last night, at Laura and Elijah's, I sat through that for about an hour before retreating and, for the first time in several months, volunteering to go home and be by myself. I'm not trying to complain too much, because there's really nothing wrong right now. But with boredom comes so many other things; realizing I'm alone, having too much time to think about myself, picking apart and, in doing so, stripping what I have of its value. I don't like who I become when I'm alone for too long. And I don't enjoy how my brain creates bigger problems than are really there in an attempt to keep itself busy while I'm being bored out of my mind in my bedroom. I really need some food and my Netflix account back to get through this season.
This Friday is Christmas for most people. I'll enjoy being around my family or whatever, but I still kinda wish I was getting a little something this holiday season. I'm not materialistic, but when I have to hear about what everyone else is getting, it reminds me that I don't even own a pair of pants and don't even have enough money at this moment to take the bus to Schenectady. I have a couple pennies, nickels, and dimes on the top of my television.
I want to be in a band.
I want a girlfriend (girl from Texas, ask me to move in with you, please).
I want Netflix back.
I wish I had money, more than anything, so I could buy things for other people. That'd be nicer than receiving anything, honestly.
A few days ago, on my post describing the perfect girl for me, someone from Texas responded anonymously and said they were that person. "Weird. I came across this at random while looking for a particular photo on the internet. I am that girl. But we'll never meet. I thought you deserved to know that girls like me exist. Perhaps in some fortuitous casualty we will meet." They probably aren't, but I wish they'd ask me to move to Texas and be with them. Knowing they're actually out there and I am so far away from them makes me feel like I can't breathe, like a starving dog chained centimeters away from a bowl of food. Meanwhile, Gemma (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hellobijou) writes a post about the perfect boy for her and basically describes me in every way.
The other night, when I was hanging out with Yoda, Jason X, and Guisti, I was told that Karissa said she saw, with her own eyes, the video footage of me getting high. This video, which obviously does not exist and never has, has been a local legend for a while now. And Karissa is the second person to claim they have seen it themselves. The first person being Ashley Devane. It's hilarious how shameless people are when it comes to the lies they tell. So I decided to call Karissa while I was with everyone and ask her, "So, you saw the video of me getting high?" She goes, "Yeah?" I ask again, "You're telling me you saw a video with your own eyes that does not exist?" She goes, "I'm pretty sure." I ask again, "You saw a video of something that never happened?" She changes her story, "I didn't tell Jason I saw it." I hung up. Pathetic.
Anyways, here's my list of the best albums of 2009. The band names are linked to their MySpaces. The album titles are linked to a free download of said album. Any additions or suggestions, comment with 'em!
1.) Andrew Jackson Jihad: "Can't Maintain."
2.) Austin Lucas: "Somebody Loves You"
3.) Bike For Three!: "More Heart Than Brains"
4.) Blackbird Raum: "Swidden"
5.) Busdriver: "Jhelli Beam"
6.) Dead Man's Bones: "Dead Man's Bones"
7.) Enter Shikari: "Common Dreads"
8.) Eyedea & Abilities: "By the Throat"
9.) Fireworks: "All I Have to Offer Is My Own Confusion"
10.) Heathers: "Here, Not There"
11.) HORSE the band: "Desperate Living"
12.) IWrestledABearOnce: "It's All Happening"
13.) Jordaan Mason & the Horse Museum: "Divorce Lawyer I Shaved My Head"
14.) Madeline: "White Flag"
15.) Matt & Kim: "Grand"
16.) Noah & the Whale: "The First Days of Spring"
17.) Owen: "New Leaves"
18.) Passion Pit: "Manners"
19.) Red Light Green Light: "Everything Has Gone Wrong"
20.) Ruiner: "Hell Is Empty"
21.) A Wilhelm Scream: "A Wilhelm Scream EP"
Kara's on her way to Albany now. Gotta walk back home. There are attractive yuppies all around me.
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| "Somebody loves you. I guess they don't know better." |
[20 Dec 2009|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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Ruiner: "Kiss That Motherfucker Goodnight" |
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LiveJournal has a guest tracker now that tells you who looks at your journal! I love knowing who looks at me! Especially when it tells me that Chloe Lum's journal looked at me! The total hottie in the middle of these men (AIDS Wolf; my favorite noise group since the break-up of Arab On Radar):
She's basically perfect in every way and I'd marry her if given the chance. One time, they played downstairs Valentine's and we briefly spoke to each other about the cookbook Vegan With a Vengeance and she shared the vegan cookies Christian made for them with me. I died a little bit. And then couldn't stop staring at her as she sat alone in the corner of the room and read a book.
I'm at my parents' house, because I honestly missed them a little, and have nothing better to do than write in this right now. My mom's at work, my father's watching football. Football's one of the most excruciatingly boring things I've ever seen. I will never understand how people get so worked up over it. I'm typing with extreme hesitance because there's a short in the wire to the battery charger that randomly causes power to be lost. Every couple of minutes, the little battery appears in the bottom right-hand corner and a hitch-pitched squeal starts up. Nothing needs to move to cause it, either. So this thing could die at any moment.
Friday, I ended up taking the bus back to Albany. I was waiting for Jason and Yoda to meet up with me, but when I called them from a payphone, they told me they were with Jon, a moron who had recently commented my journal with his stupid two cents on a subject that didn't involve him. They told me I couldn't hang out because I would be a dickhead to him. Which, of course, I would be. So I just went back to Albany instead. Kara was supposed to be coming over anyways later that night for a sleepover. When I got home, I fed the cats, cleaned their litter boxes, ate some tofu dogs, and took a shower. By the time I got out, Kara was in my bedroom. She gave me my present she got me for Mythmas, wrapped up in a brown paper bag. It was a Paul Baribeau straightedge shirt!
It was pretty exciting. It was only 8 when I looked at the clock and felt a desperation to do something besides sit on my bed. Kara had some money, so I suggested just walking to The Spectrum and seeing a movie, not knowing what was even playing there. So we left and walked there before 9, since their movie schedules are always 1:something, 5:something, 7:something, and 9:something. When we got there, we saw that A Serious Man was still playing, so we decided to get our tickets to that and bide time drinking hot chocolate next door at the Ultraviolet Cafe. An adorable girl who was no more than 4'10" took our order and was playing Scrabble with her fellow employees in the back in between tasks. A Serious Man started out really strange, so strange I thought we had walked into the wrong film at first, and didn't really stop being strange until the credits. It was about a Jewish man's life falling apart piece by piece and his attempt to find meaning through his religion. And as someone wrote on an IMDb post, "I just thought it was mesmerizing to see this one unlucky man searching for the answers, only to find that maybe there are no answers, maybe life isn't a series of neat packages with a beginning, middle, end and moral." It was very cryptic and symbolic, much like Barton Fink, and I knew I wouldn't be able to appreciate it the way I do now until I read up on what it was trying to do and say. Now, though, I have to say it was pretty brilliant and will go over the heads of most people. Another person on the forums said that it starts with a man who is thought to be a dybbuk and ends with a man who turns out to be Schrödinger's cat. The fact that they took the Jewish faith and mathematical formulation and made a film around the two is so ballsy of them. But the Cohen Brothers will forever do as they please and do it well. I walked out, still blown away by confusion since I get sucked into films really heavily while watching them, and then walked back home in no more than ten-degree weather. We stopped by Price Chopper so I could get Pepsi, but after being in a line of more than five people, one of whom was doing their entire week's worth of grocery shopping, I said fuck it and walked out. I ran into Roger and he invited us to hang out, but I declined, since I knew Kara wouldn't be into it. I got some Pepsi from a convenience store and when we got home, we just sat around and watched Arrested Development.
She left in the morning for work and I didn't wake up until 11 or so. I made a sandwich, finished the second season of Arrested Development, and then sewed for two hours while listening to music. I finally finished my jacket and it now says VEGAN STRAIGHT EDGE on the other side, successfully covering up the Starter logo. I don't want to wear logos ever again. After that, I decided to walk to the bus stop and go back to Schenectady and either hang out with Yoda and Jason or, if they weren't available and/or were still with Jon, hang out with my parents. Only a few blocks away from the bus stop, I ran into Gemma, who was in Albany, wandering around aimlessly and alone once again. So I invited her to come with me. We sat at the bus stop while a few drunk men talked shit to each other and got into each other's faces, seeming as if they were about to fight, but never actually fought. It was pretty entertaining. We got on the bus and I suggested we get off and have vegan pizza at Little Anthony's, since Gemma had never tried it before. So we got off and ordered a twelve-cut. Pat asked me why I am ethically against purchasing Coca-Cola, so I told him a quick list of reasons why and gave him a website to visit; hopefully, he researches what I told him and makes a business decision to stop selling their products. A girl who bakes for them there, Nicole, came up to us and talked for a while. She gave me her card and told me to suggest articles to her, since she's a writer for the Examiner as the 'Albany Vegan Examiner'. She's a really nice girl. We were there for about an hour and then went outside to wait for the bus. We were out there, in five-degree weather, for almost forty minutes. No bus of any kind passed by us on our side. I called CDTA and they said there was some road blockage that was causing the buses to be behind schedule. I thought my legs were going to get hypothermia. It was unbearably cold, until I called and heard the bus was nearby, I was going to retreat due to not knowing how much more I could physically handle.
I called my brother on the way to Schenectady to see if they wanted to hang out, but they were still with Jon (and apparently Rain, without telling me). And they were going to see Avatar. Of course, since Yoda can talk shit about anyone and everything but if you say something about him or something he's into, he'll flip out on you, he said, "Sorry it's not a fucking indie film!" all pissed because I responded with, "Wowwwwww." So I hung up on him and tried not to inhale the strong odor of urine coming from a dirty black man sitting near us. I was choking on it. We got off and immediately saw Jason and them riding by us in a car. We went to Muddy Cup so I could sit online and we didn't do much of anything during or after that. She eventually left and got a bus back to Albany so she could get picked up and brought home. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I called my mother from a payphone and asked if they could come and get me. Sh picked me up and I sat around with her and my father for the rest of the night. It was boring and miserable. And so far, today hasn't been any better.
Another stupid meme.
1. Made out for more than 3 minutes? Yeah.
2. Slept in a different bed? Many.
3. Made out in a movie theatre? I don't think so. I like movies too much to want to make out instead of watch one.
4. Made out with 2 different people in one night? Yes. Those were the days.
5. Thought your cousin was hot? Yes. Heather Bynum!
6. Been in love? Yes. Three times.
7. Slept past noon? Most of the time.
8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex? Yes. With Lisa, Teri, and Burgundy.
9. Gone over the speed limit? No. I don't drive.
10. Painted your room? No.
11. Drove a car? Yes. I drove Trevor's once while he attempted to teach me how to drive.
12. Danced in front of your mirror? Ew. No. I'm not corny.
13. Gotten a hickey? Yes. But hickeys are pretty stupid.
14. Been dumped? Yes. Over AIM, every single time.
15. Stole money from a friend? No. I don't steal from friends.
16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes. I've gotten into cars with complete strangers, even.
17. Been in a fist fight? Kinda. Is it a fist fight if they don't get a single hit in?
18. Snuck out of your house? Yes. When I lived on Glenwood Blvd. and was dating Teri.
19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes. Most of the time.
20. Been arrested? Yes. Several times, over stupid things where the charges would eventually be dropped.
21. Made out with a stranger? No. But I'd like to!
22. Left your house without telling your parents? Yes.
23. Had a crush on your neighbor? Yes. When I was, like, ten or eleven.
24. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes! And then I never went back!
25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? Yes. Many times.
26. Seen someone die? No. Unless on the Internet counts.
27. Been on a plane? Yes. To California!
28. Kissed a picture? No. I'm not corny.
29. Slept in the opposite sex's bed? Yes.
30. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes. Tara. Burgundy.
31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes.
32. Made a snow angel? Probably.
33. Played dress up? I dressed up as a hooker once with Josh James and walked around Scotia. I was so lame.
34. Cheated while playing a game? No.
35. Been lonely? Yes. Story of my life.
36. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. So I went home and never returned!
37. Been to a club? No.
38. Felt an earthquake? No.
39. Touched a snake? Yes.
40. Ran a red light? Nope No. I don't drive.
41. Been suspended from school? Yes.
42. Had detention? Yes.
43. Been in a car? Yes?
44. Hated the way you look? Yes. Story of my life.
45. Witnessed a crime? Yes. They were cops.
46. Been lost? Yes. I love that feeling.
47. Been to the opposite side of the country? Yes. California.
48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? No. I don't really get embarrassed.
49. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes.
50. Sang karaoke? No.
51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? Yes. Too many times.
52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes.
53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes. By accident, though. I'm scared of what's in our snow here, so I would never do that on purpose.
54. Kissed in the rain? Yes.
55. Sung in the shower? No. I am not corny.
56. Had a dream that you married someone? No. But I'd marry Chloe Lum, if she were into the idea of marriage.
57. Played getting married? No. What?
58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? Yes. Because of A Christmas Story. It ripped my tongue a little and I wound up bleeding and losing some taste for a few days.
59. Ever gone to school partially nude? No.
60. Been a blind date? No.
61. Sat on a roof top? Yes.
62. Didn't take a shower for a week? Pfft. Yes.
63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? No.
64. Played chicken? Yes. My bike vs. your car.
65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes.
66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes. Years and years ago.
67. Broken a bone? Yes. My left arm.
68. Been easily amused? Yes.
69. Laugh so hard you cry? Yes.
70. Cheated on a test? Yes. Fuck math.
71. Forgotten someone's name? Yes.
72. Blacked out from drinking? No. I have never drank before. XXX.
73. Played a prank on someone? Yes.
74. Gone to a late night movie? Yes.
75. Made love to anything not human? Yes. My stuffed animals when I was little.
76. Failed a class? Yes.
77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No. But I swallowed a Canadian dime once.
78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? Yes.
79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? Yes. :/
80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? No.
81. Thrown strange objects? Probably?
82. Felt like someone else? No. But I'd like to.
83. Thought about running away? Yes. Story of my life.
84. Ran away? Yes.
85. Had detention and not attend it? Yes. Anarchy!
86. Made parents cry? Yes. But not as much as they made me cry.
87. Cried over someone? Yes. Too many fucking times.
88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? Yes.
89. Dated someone more than once? No.
90. Have a dog? Not currently.
91. Own an instrument? Yes. Keyboards!
92. Been in a band? Chaos Con Queso. Three years for nothing.
93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? Probably.
94. Broken a cd? Yes.
95. Shot a gun? No.
96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? No.
97. Fell asleep at the computer? Yes.
98. Have a major crush on someone right now? Chloe Lum. Other than her, I don't have even a minor crush on anyone around me.
99. Have a religion? No.
100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? Yes. They'd all be so full of shit, I bet.
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| "Mad high." |
[18 Dec 2009|03:06pm] |
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I've been in Schenectady for over twenty-four hours, just kinda hanging around with people and hoping for something to happen; not really anticipating anything or saying yes or no to whatever the people around me choose to do. I want to live a life mostly comprised of playing it by ear. I've mostly been with my brother who says mean things to me and my cousin who I desperately wish I was. Oh, and Guisti, who Yoda and I have decided could be passed off as our brother. Since I went to sleep and woke up early, I left Yoda's apartment not too long ago and came here, to Muddy Cup, to use their Wi-Fi. My nose is stuffy as fuck. After the several walks I've taken in the cold these past two days, I'm honestly surprised I haven't come down with pneumonia or something. It's been no more than fifteen degrees out, most of the time closer to ten or less, and I've been in shorts that graze the center of my knee caps. It's Friday and I have no idea what's going on today, but I think I'm gonna stick around Schenectady for a little bit more and see what happens before I decide if I should go back to Albany and see what happens there.
I was supposed to go back to Albany with Amy last night for a sleepover together, but she never called me, never answered any of my calls, and didn't respond to any of my IMs. So when Yoda told me he was walking back from Scotia with Jason X, I said I'd definitely like to join them. He had just got out of work from the game store, Pastime Legends, and retrieved $10 in change I had accidentally left behind the one time I went there and bought things. While I was waiting for them, I sat on AIM and talked to Maura for the first time in a couple years. She asked if I wanted to meet, so I said yes, figuring I had at least another half hour before Jason and Yoda got over the bridge from Scotia. I told her we could hang out for a half hour and to meet me at the Stockade Deli, since I was starving for some high-caloric intake. On the way there, though, I ran into Yoda and Jason. They were going to Bombers, so I told them I'd meet up with them in a half hour. Maura awkwardly walked near us and hid behind a pillar until I was done talking to them. Maura and I went to Moon & River and since I had $10 now, I figured I'd get real food instead of a chocolate pie from the convenience store. We sat in the comforts of a group of old men singing country Christmas songs together and I ate a Vegan California Sandwich. I tried to catch up with Maura as best as I could in a half hour. She's still so funny and has gotten tons prettier since the last time I saw her. She's all miserable, I guess, but still manages to laugh at it somehow. The faces she makes while talking, or not talking, are still to this day hilarious. She has a boyfriend, so I asked her on Facebook to have an affair with me. But she called me creepy, so I guess I shouldn't have asked. I went and met up with Yoda and Jason and we walked to Scotia. The breeze hitting us was like a blade slicing through our faces. By the time we got to the other side of the bridge and stopped into Dunkin Donuts to warm up a little, I had completely lost feeling in my legs, which were blushing and had goosebumps frozen stiff. I got two blueberry bagels with grape jelly, toasted for help in warming up, and then we left twenty minutes later to finish the walk to Jason's. Walking up Mohawk Ave. and down South Toll was so nostalgic for me, especially considering who I was with. So many memories had been created by the three of us along those roads, as numerous and meaningless now as the cracks in the concrete beneath our shoes.
When we got to his house, we went right up to his bedroom, somewhere I hadn't been in probably about three years, and Matt Guisti was already there, sitting at the computer, listening to covers of pop songs being played by powerpop bands that all sound exactly the same. I was freezing, so I got under his covers on his giant bed pretty quickly. We stayed up all night, just talking, laughing, ridiculing one another, and talking about Juggalos. I also had to hear about all the pretty girls Jason has a chance with, since he has a nice body and a giant dick, and all the pretty girls Bob Hood has fucked, since he's a scene kid. It made me hate my life. At one point, Jason's mother, who has always hated me, opened the door. I pulled the blanket over my face with the quickness and she actually left without ever knowing I was there. We later had to go pick up Jason's dad/our uncle from a crackhouse in Guilderland. That trip was kinda fun, I guess. We stopped by Cumberland Farms and got snacks. I went to sleep on the floor between 8 and 11 and then woke up to rejoin them. I haven't laughed so much in months. We talked about sleeping for four more hours before actually doing it. I think it was around 1 when we all finally decided to lay down and pursue it, but not before spending over an hour online watching videos of Juggalos and laughing.
Warning: This is real.
Yoda and I woke up around 5. I was supposed to hang out with Kara, but since she still hadn't called me by then, I figured we weren't. So I stayed on the floor. Yoda and I tried to wake Jason up for three hours before he finally got up. He was in his boxers and he held his giant dick like a baby pumpkin, cradling it with two hands. After much procrastinating on Jason's part, we finally left and drove to Bombers, even though we all knew I was banned or whatever. I was wearing a fitten cap with as much hair as I could move in front of one eye. At first, I just sat outside with Guisti while he smoked his cigarette that needed so badly even though he had gone an entire day without it, but then decided to start my stopwatch and see how long I could go before getting kicked out. They let us order our food. Guisti was nice enough to help me get mine. In retrospect, it's no surprise they let us give them our money first, but fifteen minutes in, the girl with the pretty blue eyes, of all people, was the one who went upstairs and got the biggest black guy on the staff to walk up to me and tell me I had to leave. I didn't bother trying to reason with him since he wasn't the one who was actually kicking me out; he was just following orders. Even though I knew it was going to happen, it still really pissed me off. They told me I couldn't even finish my meal first. So we walked across the street to Proctors and stood in a hall, eating, until the janitor asshole who thinks he runs the place started giving us cold stares, making it clear he was ready to tell us to leave. So we got back into Jason's car and got drinks, then went to Yoda's to sit around. A couple hours later, Jason said I couldn't come back to his place. So I was stuck at Yoda's. I hate sleeping there. And after Yoda told me that I do thinks to impress people again, I just wanted to get away from him. I have no idea what I have ever done to give him that impression. My refusal to do things to impress others is one of the main reason I'm so unpopular. I went to sleep on Sam's futon with my headphones on.
I am strangely attracted to this Juggalette. She's singing one of Jason's favorite Insane Clown Posse songs from years ago. (Seriously, he loved this song.)
It must be one of those weird attractions, like when priests fuck children or Republican males fuck guys in bathroom stalls.
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| meeeoowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwz |
[17 Dec 2009|07:25pm] |
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i've come to realise i'm a very compassionate creature
and i'm pretty weird too.
notlike the uncomfortable weird but a nice weird.
meh. i had a really weird dream about marre last night, i was hanging out with her and her bf and some other guy and we were all chilling and drinkin and smokin
and then her bf just started making out with this girl like right infront of us and i was like MARRE, MARRE DID YOU SEE THAT? DO YOU SEE THIS? WHAT THE FUCK? AND SHE WAS LIKE NO WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AND I WAS LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT LOOK AT THIS ITS RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU but she just didnt see it and i did ! and then the other guy stepped out infront of me and he was like you should talk to her and i was like crying and so was she and i took both her hands and i was like what are you doing? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? and she just kept saying she didnt know what she was doing and stayed in this house? and then i walked away... where to? i dont know but i just went away?
weird?
oh i just got asked out on a date!
that's unusual, usually i get asked to just fornicate...
he probably wants to, but i'll have him pay for dinner and a movie first
nahh imma hold out
i found the most lovely pair of moccasins i ever did see on ebay today, and they shall be mine!!!
OH MY GOD MY DAD IS BLASTING DEATHCAB !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| "Girls possess me, but they're never mine." |
[16 Dec 2009|06:09pm] |
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Loud bitch who walked into Muddy Cup: "He's a fucking fag. He's a queer. He's a fucking queer. I'm gonna spraypaint on his car, 'I'm a queer!' How're you gonna fire someone after three days?! Just because I'm a little slow in the brain department? That's why he's a queer in my eyes."
Current Muddy Cup peon: "But... he doesn't do the firing."
I'm sick of all the beautiful people that are constantly surrounding me. I'm sick of knowing I'm the ugliest person in the room. I'm sick of everyone around me having someone to love and be loved by in return.
Face it: It's Complicated is a nice way of saying, "One or both of us is fucking other people at the same time," OR, "I'm with someone who doesn't appreciate me/doesn't like me as much as I like them and therefore won't be in a real relationship with me."
Anyways.
I'm at Muddy Cup in Schenectady right now. I'm not even sure if I have the $1.50 to get the bus back home tonight. I'm so fucking broke, it's ridiculous. And there's still two weeks and one day left in this month. I have $7 in my wallet, $80 left in Food Stamps, and 9.48 minutes left on my cellphone. I can't stop listening to Austin Lucas; it's just all so beautiful. I'm glad I met Roger just because he showed me this guy's music. I was hoping to hang out with my brother, but he's being an employee at Joe's game store in Scotia. So I'm just sitting here, doing this, waiting to work up the energy to swing by Amy's and go back to Albany with her. She's staying the night tonight, since she's never stayed overnight in Albany before.
There are so many disgusting people around me right now and the people directly behind me stink so strongly of marijuana. It's hurting my sinuses.
And now a black woman is screaming at a black man who is screaming back at her. She says he's staring at her, he says he's not, he calls her a fucking bitch, she calls him a fucking nutcase, he tells her to suck it. Hilarious. The Schenectady environment is so unreal.
Yesterday, after hanging out at Muddy Cup in Albany for a couple hours, I took the bus to Albany and went to Amy's. She's at her sister's now, They have a perfect little house that looks untouched, like the set of a sitcom about marriage. We sat on their big comfy couch and caught up, since we go weeks at a time without speaking to one another, while Slumdog Millionaire played on TV. I love sitting and talking with this girl. I could talk to her for hours on end every day and never get bored with it. She's something of an inspiration to me. The way she can lift herself above herself emotionally and keep a level head is something I admire and she's the only person I know who teaches me things every time we hang out or makes me think about something in a way I haven't yet. She was upset and showing it through her stutter and blotchy chest and it really bothered me, since I very rarely see her overcome with grief. We went for a walk at one point to the Sunoco and I got a Pepsi with some Tostitos and salsa. When we got back to the house, I exchanged texts with Heather Neal and she said we could hang out, but it had to be soon. So I told her to pick me up at the nearby KFC (literally the closes thing to a landmark in that general area). I figured at least then, I wouldn't have to take a bus downtown from Amy's later. She got me and wasn't wearing any makeup, so she looked cuter than usual. We went to the apartment she's currently staying at with an employee from Friendly's who claims she went to middle school with me and a kid name Nick who I vaguely recognized. When we walked in, he was holding a bong and was really friendly to me, asking if I remembered him and this and that. He asked if I smoked and I told him I didn't and he said, "Yeah, I didn't think so. You've never smoked, right?" and I said, "Well, if you ask around, people will tell you I have," and we all laughed, because he knew what I was talking about for some reason. We went into her bedroom and put in Knocked Up. Even though she's very quiet and never has anything interesting to say, I still was worried that I was boring her. She kept getting up and leaving and I later found out it was to take hits of weed in the other room. I didn't know until I said something about how people can't have conversations when they're high. She said, "Yes, they can," and then laughed, making it pretty obvious what she was hinting at. Funny thing is, the speed and quantity of her words were left unchanged by her smoking, since she's just a generally slow and empty person. For some reason, I couldn't help but begin to hate myself for being around her. But because I face all my insecurities and neurotic behavior head-on now, I forced myself to stay still. I decided to ask her, "Why did you leave me that LiveJournal comment?" referring to back when she anonymously left me a comment about wanting to hate-fuck me and then accidentally replying while logged in, revealing her identity. She told me she was watching Zack and Miri and decided to leave it because she thought it'd be funny, then said, "That probably makes me sound horrible." It did. But when she asked if I was mad, I told her I wasn't. Because I wasn't. I'm pathetic and the idea of fucking me is laughable. So I understood. And then I asked her, "Then why did you tell me you were being serious when I messaged you and called you about it?" I had repeatedly told her on the phone that day that I knew she was fucking with me. But of course, I was hoping I was wrong. And she insisted that she wasn't fucking with me. But her answer tonight was, "Because I felt like an asshole! I really didn't think you'd ever find out it was me who left it." I wanted to die a little bit. I don't know if it was because she was high or if it was because it's funny to hurt me, but I'm glad I know for a fact that I'm too ugly for even the sluttiest girl in Schenectady. Fifteen minutes later, I told her to take me to Yoda's. When I got there, I pretended I was feeling okay and sat around with them, catching up and exchanging stupid stories. I was up until 3 in the morning, after watching The Little Shop of Horrors in their bedroom with him and Kayla. Kayla said that Matt Guisti was the only friend of Yoda's that acknowledges her, even though I'm constantly talking to her and letting her know that I'm hearing the things she's saying that most people don't bother responding to.
Court this morning was two hours of nothing until I was finally called up. For some reason, I know have two public defenders, and the new guy told me that they entered a plea of Not Guilty for me, insisting we can fight this. Whatever. Shortly after a giant black man yelled at the judge and said, "FUCK YO' BAIL! YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK?!" and was taken back to his cell, I got called up, was standing for about twenty seconds, signed a paper, and was told to be back on January 20th. I know this is going to be stretched out for months to come and it's so fucking annoying. Yoda wouldn't wake up when I got back to his house, so I just went back to sleep. Whatever.
Another stupid end-of-the-year meme.
What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I didn't shave, stayed vegan, and stayed single for an entire year. Oh, and I got jumped and robbed.
Did you keep your New Years resolutions and will you make more next year? I don't make those.
Did someone close to you give birth? I don't get close to the kind of people who give birth.
Did someone close to you die? My grandmother's dog, Baby.
What countries did you visit? Unfortunately, I stayed in America all year. :(
What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A girlfriend and a band.
What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? Going to Thacher Park with Tara for the day, holding hands and hiking. On the ride home, I felt so calm for once and realized how much I loved and appreciated her.
What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? Staying vegan, not shaving, and booking some of my favorite bands.
What was your biggest failure(s)? I failed myself by letting Tara fuck with my head for two months. I failed her by pushing her away.
Did you suffer any illness or injury? I got Swine Flu or something; it was the sickest I'd been in years.
What was the best thing you bought? I didn't really buy much of anything.
Whose behaviour merited celebration? Kara's. She's really helped herself and come out of her shell in a lot of positive ways this year.
Whose behaviour made you appaulled and depressed? Tara's; lying to me, fucking a yuppie hipster even though she said she was in love with me, fucking with my head for two months, talking bad about me behind my back, starting to party like a typical teenage girl, and ultimately abandoning me. She did everything she had convinced me she would never do.
Where did most of your money go? Movies and tofu.
What did you get really really excited about? Finally seeing The Wonder Years perform live.
Compared to this time last year are you...
i) Happier or Sadder? Happier.
ii) Thinner or Fatter? Thinner.
iii) Richer or Poorer? The same.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Traveling and reading.
What do you wish you'd done less of? Loving a girl who would leave me and waiting for my brother to travel with me.
How will you spend Christmas Day? With my family.
Did you fall in love in 2009? Yes. Oh, well.
Did you have any one night stands? One named Laura.
What was your favourite TV programme? Daria, period.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't last year? Not really. Which is probably a good thing.
What was the best book you read? Into the Wild by Jack Krakauer.
What was your greatest musical discovery? Jordaan Mason & the Horse Museum.<3
What did you want and get? I honestly don't think I got anything I wanted, and wanted very little to begin with.
What did you want and not get? Tara Rule.
What was your favourite film of the year? Revolutionary Road, I think.
What thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If Tara said yes when I asked her to be my girlfriend.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I-don't-give-a-fuck.
What kept you sane? Lexapro.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Zooey Deschanel.
Who was the best new person you met? Laura Stella.
Who did you miss? Burgundy, of course.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009? Nothing ever changes.
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bored
Tired.
annoyed